Merry Christmas, my dear friends!!!!

THIS IS TOOO FUNNY . . . TURN UP YOUR SOUND AND BE SURE TO WATCH TO THE VERY END.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-0WVfj76bo

   WILD GIGGLES! Thanks, Guys!

   GIGGLES! Thanks, Joan! Your timing on this this really tickled me! 

   My sister,       Eleanor (Buckley Nowitzky - '59 - of NC), called me up Monday night from an informal meeting to gleefully report to me that just before refreshments were served, our mutual dear friend, Emily (a Daughter of the South if ever there was one), had said, "Oh, good! I'm so hungry I could eat the hind legs off a goat!" 

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose were always empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my tru! ck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.

(That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained.

"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"

Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

--Jeff Foxworthy

     Thanks, Norris!

Most Dangerous Cake Recipe in the World

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE COFFEE MUG CAKE!!

4 tablespoons flour 
4 tablespoons sugar 
2 tablespoons cocoa 
1 egg 
3 tablespoons milk 
3 tablespoons oil 
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional) 
A small splash of vanilla essence 
1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to your largest mug and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using), vanilla essence, then mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high). The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.

EAT! (This can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now you are only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

   WOWZERS-YOWZERS! Thanks, Shari!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=9M9MCMNU - Incredible Christmas Concert by The North Point iBand

This is a super cool video done by North Point Community Church--a full band performs some Christmas favorites without any “real” instruments. How do they do it you ask? Watch to find out! Download free music from North Point -- www.northpointmusic.org/christmas

   WOWZERONI! Thanks, Tina and Cheryl!

Hanging Christmas Lights

Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Page Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.)

We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

... "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

... "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

... "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

... "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

... "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

... "Give me that."

... "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

... "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, period!"

... "You've just wound 'em around and around -- I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

... "Have you been drinking?"

... "Where's the cat?"

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THRIFTY TIP:

* Save those receipts for your return to the store! Many businesses offer promotion to customers who simply bring back a receipt from a previous purchase. Starbucks, for example, regularly runs a Treat Receipt offer: go in the afternoon with a receipt from earlier in the day and you'll get an automatic discount. Other retailers offer a percentage off for customers who've held onto receipts.

* You're already used to getting coupons in addition to your grocery store receipt, but now many retailers are putting those savings on the receipt. And the discount are often for goods and services at other local businesses.

* As many as 30 percent of receipts contain some sort of error, and from markdowns that haven't been registered to totally incorrect charges those mistakes can cost you big. So take a second to review your receipt!

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Packing Your Suitcase

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that, "Though we travel the world to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." When I first read that, it’s truth and wisdom found a home in my heart. Since then I have always done my best to carry the beautiful with me wherever I may travel. Since then I have always strived to pack the suitcase of my soul as full as possible with the most beautiful memories, thoughts, and feelings that I can.

Here are just a few of the things I have packed over the years. Each one of them has made my travels a little more beautiful. The sight of the clouds turning pink, purple and yellow during a mountain sunrise. The sound of my children’s laughter. The smell of my Nana’s home cooked spaghetti sauce on a Sunday afternoon after Church. The taste of cold water from a pure, mountain stream. The feeling of a hug given in love. The sight of my daughter’s dog wiggling with delight when she comes home from school. The joy of singing along with an uplifting song. The pleasure of watching a butterfly feed on the flowers I planted in the Spring. The peace that comes from breathing in deep the fresh air right after a Summer rain. The bliss of saying, "I love You, God" and then hearing God’s gentle voice say in my heart, "I love you too, My Child". The glorious knowledge that love, laughter, joy, and oneness with God are choices that we can make everyday of our lives. The Heavenly happiness that comes when I share all my love, all my learning, and all that I am with everyone I can.

You don’t have to travel the world to find the beautiful. As Emerson said it is right there inside of you. Pack the suitcase of your own soul well. Fill it with all the beauty this world, this life, your spirit, and Heaven above has to offer. Then you will carry the beautiful with you always and you will forever share it with all of your fellow travelers.

~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~

[ by: Joseph J. Mazzella Copyright © 2010 (joecool@wirefire.com)

   Thank you, Shari!