05/10/11 - NNHS Newsletter - Un-Break My Heart

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself
constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell.”

- Edna St. Vincent Millay
(22 Feb 1892 - 19 Oct 1950)

The song reached number one in five countries (Sweden, Switzerland, Austria, Belgium and the United States) in addition to Europe. In the United States, it achieved the number one position on the Billboard Hot 100, Hot Dance Club Songs and Adult Contemporary charts. The song was certified platinum in seven countries and gold in three others. Released in late 1996, it spent eleven consecutive weeks atop the Hot 100. However, since four of those were in December 1996, it only finished fourth in the 1997 Billboard Year-End chart, while finishing fourth in the 1990s decade chart.

The song was an official song of the 2006 FIFA World Cup and earned Braxton the 1997 Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance...

http://www.nnhs65.com/reunion-class-of-1966/45th-Reunion-Letter-2011.doc: 

Dear Classmates,                                                                                                             

The Class of 1966 will hold an OPEN 45 year reunion on Friday and Saturday, August 19 and 20, 2011.  Here is the schedule:

Friday night – 7:00 p.m. until closing - RJ’s Restaurant and Pub located at 12743 Jefferson Avenue (Denbigh Crossing Shopping Center), Newport News, VA.  The owner, Ron Johnson, is a Typhoon alumnus. Each person attending on Friday night is responsible for the cost of their dinner, drinks or snacks. 

Saturday night:  Warwick Yacht Club, located at 400 Maxwell Lane, Newport News, from 7:00 p.m. till midnight.  We will have light Hors D’oeuvres and a cash bar.  Dress Code:  Dressy Casual (no shorts, jeans or ties, please).  Music by the Rock-it-Men Band.

The cost for the reunion will be $40 per person.  Included in this cost is the rental of the Yacht Club, paper, envelopes, printer ink, stamps, food, bartender, carver and server fees.  If any of you would like to make a monetary donation to help underwrite the cost of the reunion, it will be greatly appreciated.

In order to meet planning deadlines, please respond by July 8^th by returning the attached form, along with your check, made out to me, Dee Bartram. 

Updates on the reunion will be sent out by via e-mail to those of you that I have e-mail addresses for.  Also, Carol Buckley Harty, Class of 1965, has created a NNHS website at http://nnhs65.com/NNHS-Newsletters-2011.html where I will also post updates.

We look forward to seeing you at the reunion!

NNHS Class of 1966 45-Year Reunion Committee

Dee Hodges Bartram      (757) 868-8443            E-mail:  dhbartram@cox.net
Terri McAfee Artman               898-4042                          t_artman@msn.com
Judy Phillips Allen                   928-9748                            jwallen3@cox.net
Joe Dickson                            872-0690                         widetrack48@cox.net
Albert Dorner                          874-3406                           aldorner@msn.com
Richard Marshall                     851-2325                        DMARS44903@aol.com
Marilyn & Chuck Springfield    245-5887                           mpscws@cox.net
Sandra Thomas Reinholdt       989-0942                          sthomas4@cox.net

Please send the registration form and your check, payable to Mrs. Dee Bartram, by July 8, 2011.  My address is 21 Laydon Way, Poquoson, VA  23662.   The cost after July 8^th will be $50 per person. 

Please give me the count for each night.

Will attend:  Friday Night _______      Saturday Night _______

Name: ________________________________________ (Ladies – please include maiden name)        

Spouse/Guest Name: ____________________________

Address: ______________________________________

Amount Enclosed: _______________

NOTE:  If you are going to attend Friday only, I still need to know in order to give the restaurant a count.  Please extend me and the restaurant the courtesy of letting me know if you will be there by either e-mailing me at dhbartram@cox.net or calling me at (757) 868-8443.

If you are unable to attend the reunion, please e-mail or call me with any e-mail address updates or home address change updates.

   AN OPEN REUNION?!?  But of course, Dee - thanks so much!

The link is now on the main page as well as the Reunion Page:

   Thanks, Norris Sweetie! I actually DID send this to seven people with seven seconds - and now we've shared it with another 650 or so - because we ALL could use a miracle!

By Darlene LancerCommunication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners -- for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It's respectful, direct, honest, open, non-threatening and non-defensive. It's not demanding, aggressive, or manipulative.

Communication is learned. With practice you can learn to communicate assertively, which will raise your self-esteem and self-assurance and improve your relationships and professional performance. Research has established that even fetuses can learn to communicate with their mothers. To learn the keys to assertiveness discussed below, remember the 6 C's:

1. Congruency
2. Courtesy
3. Conciseness
4. Clarity
5. Cognizance
6. Claim yourself

Communication has many elements. You communicate with more than your words. You relay information with your entire body through:

1. Gesture
2. Eye contact, movement, moisture, expression, and focus
3. Posture
4. Physical appearance
5. Voluntary and involuntary bodily movement, including muscular tension
6. Facial expression
7. Skin color (e.g. blushing) and perspiration
8. Body smell

Additionally, your voice communicates through:

1. Volume
2. Pitch
3. Cadence
4. Tone and emphasis
5. Fluidity
6. Enunciation

Congruence
What you don't say, your body reveals. Customs' agents are expert at reading body language to spot liars. Key to effective communication is authenticity, meaning honesty and congruence. Truthfulness is about facts. Honesty has more to do with intent and feelings. Say what you think or feel, and mean what you say. You probably assume you already do this, yet dishonesty is more common than you might guess. I'm not referring to overt lies, but about times you outwardly agree, but inwardly don't. Some reasons are:

1. You want to spare someone's feelings.
2. You want to avert conflict.
3. You want to be liked and avoid judgment or criticism.
4. You're afraid of making a mistake.
5. You don't want to impose or burden someone.
6. You don't want to jeopardize a relationship, or
7. You don't want to spend the time.

The last one is tricky. Imagine you're at a party and someone asks you a personal question that you don't want to get into then and there. You might avoid the question in many ways, including ignoring it and changing the subject, or walking away to get a drink. You might think the reason is no. 7, but ask yourself why you wouldn't directly say, "I prefer not to talk about that now (or here)," or "I don't know you well enough to discuss that." If you think the real answer is no. 1, think again. The foregoing assertive answers are less hurtful than impolite behavior.

When your words don't match your insides, you're sending a mixed message. A common example is when you say you're fine, but your body language reveals the truth that you're unhappy. Or, the opposite -- you smile while imparting a sad story. In either case, your listener is confused and doesn't know how to respond and/or may not feel that he or she can trust you.

Courtesy
The purpose of communication is to impart information and feelings, not to vent, avenge, or scold. If you're discourteous to listeners, you'll lose them. To be effective, you want to engage your listener. To do so, treat him or her with respect. Criticism that is constructive and delivered assertively is more likely to be heeded.

Conciseness
The impact of your speech is inversely related to its duration. Your impact wanes with words. Your listener will want you to cut to the chase and get to the point. When you beat around the bush, it belies insecurity and/or lack of knowledge. When you're afraid for any of the reasons mentioned above regarding incongruence, you might be tempted to have a long introduction or disclaimer. Don't. If you're fearful, sort out the reasons why, practice what you'll say out loud, and weigh the long term repercussions of saying nothing or what you want.

Clarity
Be direct. Don't ask questions, give hints, or speak in the abstract. Instead of "Do you want to go to a movie?" which is ambiguous as to whether you want to go, state, "I'd like to see a movie tonight." Make a clear statement of what you think, feel, need, or want. Most communication comes down to those four essentials. You can also explain why.

Cognizance
Cognizance of your audience is essential. You must hear in order to be heard. To be an effective communicator, listen with attention and respect to what others have to say. Genuine listening engages them and helps you attune your message so that others will be receptive. This is attentive, active listening. Paraphrasing and repeating what was said to you will show them that you care and are interested. In turn they'll be more receptive when they believe they matter to you.

Timing is critical. Don't start an important conversation in the car, or when he or she is watching TV, is on the computer, or otherwise occupied, without his or her permission. You're being discourteous and interrupting their attention. You'll be disappointed and are setting yourself up for an argument.

Claim Yourself
This is the hardest element. You must take responsibility for your opinions, thoughts, feelings, and needs. That means you don't blame or talk about the other person. Don't tell them what they should do, or what some expert said. Use "I" messages and claim what you think and feel. That doesn't mean to say, "I think you're inconsiderate," which labels and judges their behavior, without revealing how you feel or how it affects you. Applying all these rules, you might say "I feel disregarded (or "unimportant" or "angry") when you didn't return my calls," or "I don't like it when you..." When you state your feelings or take a position, others don't feel as great a need to defend and justify themselves, because you are only talking about yourself. This is particularly difficult to do when you're emotional. It's better to wait and think about what you feel and what outcome or behavioral changes your want before having the conversation. Consider your bottom line.

Learning assertiveness so that it comes naturally can take years of practice, but it is empowering and worth starting now. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll begin raising your self-esteem.

© Darlene Lancer, JD MFT 2011


About the Author:

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, life coach, and author of forthcoming "Codependency for Dummies." She has a broad range of experience and has worked with individuals and couples for over twenty-four years. Her focus is on helping individuals overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives, and helping couples enhance their communication, intimacy, and passion. She is a speaker, freelance writer, and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA... http://www.darlenelancer.com.